quite happy hari ni. Something happened yesterday. Aku gi rumah anak yatim... for the first time. the trip was conducted by ARC (adventure and recreational club) Sisters....at Rumah Bakti Ulu Kelang. Departed from UIA at 3.30 pm, thanks to Cik Beb (he always using that "beb". "Gila beb", "besok kerja beb" .... ntahpape.)

Reached there at about 4.15 pm.

just when we arrived there..

Seeing with my bare eye....the face of happiness.... their laughters.....it all make me felt and thought, that this world is full of love and peace.... just like what I've felt when I was in Darul Quran.

sing together.... laugh together...... iftar together..... re-feeeling the "asrama-kat- smap-dulu", men.....it's so.....I don't know which word would describe my feeling at that time....=>

then, it was 11.15 pm. After salam wida'..... although everyone was still laughing and showing smileys everywhere....deep in my heart, I know that I felt very sad, feeling like... "doesn't want to leave this place..." I think ( it's more to " I know" actually..) everybody feel the same way too....

when I arrived here, UIA-MC, home, I realized that this trip is among the awakening and inspring trip for me... during all my years of living. I felt relived, relieved, and re-created (which is the main idea of "recreation" actually, dont you see it? re-creation....) Right now, I can consider that I have a clearer mind, a better heart, after a "tahap agung punya!" period of blurriness and nothingness . I even have the intention..no, it's not intention, it's more like tendency to re-arrange, re-neaten, and re-organize all my stuff.

Although I went to bed late, at about 3.30 am, I felt good.

Alhamdulillah, I woke up for my sahur, at about 5.00 am.... pray.... sleep ....and rose at about 10.00 I think.

ramadhan..... what a ramadhan! You know, during this time, I'm thinking of something. I think, Allah gave us the ramadhan for us... just for us... to re-create and re-generate ourselvees. You know, without the help of syaitan, we just (should I say just?) need to strain ourself from the temptation... and that's all. If we can make it, then we can be what we dream and hope to be....because 30 days is quite a period. I don't know what others will think about this, but I'm very sure of it. furthermore, that's why there is a Quote, saying that azam is not only could be done in days before new year, but also before ramadhan.

what do you think?

This is the toughest ramadhan I ever experienced !

I feel tired resisting and straining my body to my fever. Man, damn tired! You see..... doing all this managing stuff requires a lot of stamina, and it's burdening me, much, apart from being responsible towards my duty as student.....

still can't figure out the best way to keep in balance... somebody wanna give a hand or two? pakdi? afnan? wandaus? pecot? anyone?

I found my journal back!!!! yes!!!!

it's been nearly a week since my last update. Man.... I'm really busy, trying to keep my self in perfect balance in each and every role I possess. My study.... right now I'm trying new ways to make my study more enjoyable, challenging, and more efficient, so that I can use my time for other purposes, like writing and listening to English stuff for the sake of my English improvement, rewriting and reorganizing examples of meetings and discussion for the sake of my leadership improvement, reading my textbooks and notes 15 minutes before class, just to make sure that I'll never had the time to wander after class, when I couldn't understand something as it should be, when I'm doing my assig and tutorials.... you know what I mean.

Right now, I've been appointed as the director of Smart and Islamic Campaign, with Azhani from MRSM, a campaign that will be conducted during the MMC, under Land of Sciencexenium. As Anuar Suid and his 2nd year's companion are doing the LOS, I've to do that SILC for the sake of 1st year students, and for the sake of my learning curve too, as I'm the vice press.

what a tough sem to be went through......

camne suara Lina leh sama ngan suara Lala?????!!!!! how come huh?

What's your opinion about this? I really like the message. Somehow, I slowly began to think that this thing also, happens to me.

bismillah ...

---------------

I miss my silent heart

I miss my silent heart,

that focuses, deep in thought

that tells me the truth

when others lie

that shows me the proof

when others deny

that guides me and protects me

prevents me from wrong

that tells me and convinces me

that I’m fine the way I’m

I miss my silent heart

coz it has been very noisy

since it stepped into the real world

which is awfully, very busy

now it talks about things

unimportant, simple and easy,

to release me from tense

or feeling unhappy…

it thinks about life

short-termed with too much 'love'

so that I’ll dream

yet I’m all awake ..

it shows me wonders,

glittering splendours ...

it shows me colours,

worldly flavours ...

it shows me things,

too many of them ...

which I do not comprehend,

which I do not understand ...

it tells me very 'important' questions,

yet gives indefinite answers ...

it makes me perceive,

things I do not believe ...

it tells me to be 'me',

which is not what I am ...

it makes me 'me',

when my heart is noisy ...
'

cheerful' and 'too happy',

'mischievous',

'adventurous' and 'lively' …

when I am forgetful indeed,

forgetting, not taking heed ...

of what Allah commands in the Qur'an,

of what the Prophet preached,

things, that I should always bear in mind ...

I miss my silent heart,

now I worry about things

that I should not …

I miss my silent heart,

the Qur'an,

the dzikr,

the peaceful surrounding,

and my silent heart ...

I miss my silent heart

Allahumma ...

I seek YOUR forgiveness

I seek YOUR guidance of truth

I seek YOUR true love and bliss

show me YOUR way of peace

light and guide my life,

protect me from falling again

into the busy world ...

that speaks of the unreal,

that speaks of the untruth,

yet very, very appealing ..

coz it made my heart noisy,

and it made me lose 'me' ...

and I love my silent heart,

I can't stand being far apart ...

and miss my silent heart!

allahummaghfirli zunubii

allahumma tohhir qalbi

allahumma ab'idni min makriddunya

wa ma minha minasy syarri...

allahumma la taj'al fi qalbi,

hubban min gheyri hubbik ...

fala ana illa 'abdik,

wa ma ana bisyai-in illa bimardhatik,

faghfirli, warhamni ...

allahumma tohhir qalbi ….

alfaqeer ilallah,

khaleel el-wafy

201002

1.31 am

this are things happening before I sleep.....

I've met Ambiya yesterday...(Elhan Ambiya) in UIAPj's mosque, after maghrib prayer. he mentioned that he went to the UM Hospital to see her aunt's condition. it's been a long time, a very long time i haven't met him, since we went to Smap to take our certificate, in the end of april year 2000, I think so. He seemed surprised, but i don't know what feeling he hide inside. I just don't want to presume and read people anymore...I'll just accept them as a new person.

then, during my meeting with ustaz fairuz for our weekly gathering.....somehow, Ustaz Fairuz mentioned a joke about how he met his very-long-time-no-see friend. He, at that particular time, was in KLIA, sending his "pa" to do umrah. Sudenly he spotted a face, that was very familliar to him. He is not too brave to confront the probablity of being embarassed for wrong people, but deep inside, he really want to know that guy. So, what he did, was, he walk one meter behind his friend, Sham, and called him "sham"...slowly, then walk as nothing happened. After a few paces, he turned back and see that "sham" was, you know, startled. "ah, confirm la ni..." my ustaz said to himself. Then they chat for a few minutes before changing their latest contact info. They did not meet for a out 12 years, you know what? At this moment... i said to my ustaz.

" habis tu, did both of you embrace one another? 12 years...it's a long long time, isn't it? if I were you...i will hug him. ye la, if i were you, I'll hug my 5 years long time no see friend...(then i stopped, looking at ajil and najer...smiling....hehe)...although I can't hug him...!!!" Ajil, Najer and I bursted out a loud laugher. It was then I sensed something, happy, nice feeling, after sharing my real feeling inside with other people, especially the one I close to them most. I felt really really happy. => Alhamdulillah, God Almighty and the Loving, thanks for letting me feel the blessing of friendship which we had created just for You...

When I was still in the mosque, chatting with Shariff and Feqah (the one i forgot his name....in this semester, I forgot almost all names of people whom I usually met...what a memory!), I got one V-Card from Azhani. i wonder who is she...but after a few seconds, I thought that maybe she's among the subheadcomm for our module unit in Edu - QYC. So, i sms her back, asking..."oh, which subheadcomm are you in? i did not perasan la...sorry."

to my surprise, she replied again, after solat..."edd Qyc, eh awak silap orang ni."

alamak, sape lak nie, i said to myself. Not again, I mumbled. Then, I braved myself and replied. " Oh, salahorang.com rupanya. habis tu, awak ni siapa?"

she replied....

"i'm your secretary II engineus + jamaah...maybe you didn't notice kot..."

confused, I then call her, during my way with Kamal to Aika.

"habis tu, ada apa bagi saya Vcard ni? "

"oh, takde apa, sbb ani (ani? aik? apsal guna nama sendiri ni....usually girl would use their name during conversation to people who are close to them...i don't want to predict anything stupid....) dah tukar nombor. so, senang la kalau nak contact."

la, thank god, it's nothing actually, I mumbled. "oh, gitu ke? abih, orang lain dah tau ke belum?"

"azin je yang tak tau..."

"oh, klu azin takde masalah. bilik kitorang dekat je. krg saya cakap ngan dia, ok? Bye, asskum..."

during my dinner, suddenly azlina called, telling me that emi's grandmother sedara has passed away, and asking me, whether she has gave me a call. I said yes, then, we chat for a while before we went to another topic...which is my topic, actually.

"hari tu liya ada cakap pasal kau, fahmi." She said.

oh, really? "dia cakap apa?" tah apa la yang dia cakap psl aku kt Lina nie...

"ala, pasal masalah ko tu lar...ntah la, aku pun tak reti nak tolong..."

"ko tau tak? aku tak rasa langsung ada orang yang paham aku....."

then I shared all points of my problem, including my greatest fear, which is, to avoid the same thing between my pa and ma, happens to me. My situation now, whether to try to contact as best friend, or not..... my "why" should I choose not to end with Baiduri, my fear of hating someone that I've tackled, my fear of turning our relationship (me and baiduri...if were successful in creating a best-friend air...) into something else...my fear of the hardship we faced when we are befriending people whom we had flirted and liked before....and many other things.

I also talked to her about my sharing with his bf, as his bf is one of my best friend, ever. I really hope that at that time, she's pleased, happy, and trust her bf more after this...(heheh, Lina, if youre reading this, jangan marah + jangan senyum lama lama sangat....ekeke). In the end, i said, " Lina, thanks. You make me feel that you understand my situation."

after that, I sent msg to Baiduri, saying..." 28 nights more before we come to the resolution..to forget or not to forget."

Then, after istikharah, i went to sleep at about 1.16 am.

these are things I do after I wake up....

when I wake up, I see my handphone blinking. "incoming message...hmm, i wonder who is it..." I said to myself.

Erpp!!!! Baiduri! ade apa plak nie....???

"tak faham la...apa maksudnya tuh?eleh...konon, tak faham betul ke? girl...I wonder how they think of something....camne result? hope OK."

then i replied...

"28 nights of istikharah left before resolution...remember my option? to forget or not to forget?Most of my dream, except for the 3rd night, shows that I should choose to forget, although the time is hard and the path is tougher. But i still need to wait for the last night...."

"pointer....below par...2.6. What about you. Can you tell me, Baiduri?"

Then she replied.....

"okey la...alhamdulillah...3.667, cumulative 3.501...but science are tougher compared to art, right?

eh, stop kat sini dulu la. askum."

I replied again...

"thanks to you and me, for letting us know what we should, could and do know about ourself. askum."

Last night, I dreamnt about something...strange. Quite strange. In that dream, there's a scene where it's actually assembles a scene in Embun. The different is, the script. As the actor, I said this to another person, who's my close friend in this dream.

"I want to leave her, but, the problem is, I can never be apart from her." Then I wake up, automatically, you can say so. The watch shows 5.02, earlier than yesterday.

Then, I continue my sleeping, and this morning I'm vey very unlucky, because I miss my Subuh. Rise again, I see my handphone blinking. "incoming message...hmm, i wonder who is it..." I said to myself.

ooh, it's acik's. I opened it and began to read.

"but after alg decide camtu, honesly acik pasrah with that. Thus, I think we shouldn't have knowing each other before. take care and bye."

So that was my dreamnt all about. I then message her, telling her by the best way I could express. I said to her that i need time to heal myself, and all i ask is time. She then replied back by saying that it's actually ok, because that night, she just want to know what happen, like before. So, she give me time, and the problem is solved. Thank God, Alhamdulillah.

I enter my first physic class this semester with a good paradigm shifting. well, the lecturer isn't bro Omar anymore, and that mean I should do another first impression. Unfortunately thing does not always work as planned before.

this morning, we had already being in the class for 15 minutes. Then, we, the boys came to resolution that if the lecturer didn't come for another 5 minutes, then we all will go home. 5 minutes passed, and we went out. I went to Muaz room to revise yesterday Calc, and not long after that, aroung 10 minutes, Arfah miscalled me. I tried to call her, but she seems not to pick up the phone. I sent message, saying, "jgn miscall...pastu, kalau orang call angkatla...". 2 Minutes after that, an unknown number .. 0139630157...messaged me, saying the physic class is now. Menggelabah gile!

"wei muaz, class physic lar.!"

" hah!??"

We rushed to SM001, wondering what reason should we give to her, and wandering in front of the class for about 8 minutes. Alhamdulillah, God had touched someone's heart to help us. It was Shariff. His lecturer just give 5 minutes rest. As we chat, he says...

"Korang ni kena halau ke?"

"Eh takdela. Tapi kitorang lambat nie. lecturer kitorang yang baru, namanya Madam Sharifah Fadzlun. Tak tau nak cakap apa...."

" La... masuk je. Madam ni madam aku sem lepas. Dia takde apa apa la!"

eh? ye ke? Okey la, kitorang masuk dulu. Thanks!"

We enter the class, and there were only 3 lines of the boys, while the girl were there, all of them. Alhamdulillah, nothing happened. Chem class with madam Horsiah, then went home. Madam Horsiah is a nice lecturer, I think. I also realized there are pattern of Chem's and Physic Lecturer, like they have something in common, according to the subject they taught. Ntah....i just realized it, but I am not too sure about its congruent. After all, knowledge is just an assumption, and acknowledging pattern is part of pursuing the knowledge. Am I right? Only God knows.

" And say nothing about things you know nothing. For sure, your eyes, ear and all your body parts will be the witness for things you have done before. " (al isra).

The most important thing, is, I now feel the paradigm shifting. It's actually how we regard people as what they are, or, as what they should be. A lecturer should be angry, or, should feel some level or angriness towards student who came late, but, as we went to the front side of the class to meet her to apologize, she said that it's okay, because she's also arrived late, at about 8.30, before entering the class.

as the conclusion, we should be aware of any obstacles, our prejudice, our reaction, our feelings, and our acception towards people, but, in the meantime, whe should not block the shifting of the paradigm, the way we see it. We also should not be afraid to see it from other view, and try it. Life is too long to be cry, and too short to be try, but it doesn't mean that we cannot try, at all. We should try, and if we meet obstacle, we try to jump over it. If we meet mistake, failures, and errors, we should use and utilize our own mind and abilities to not to repeat the same mistake, failures and errors again. Am I right? Only God knows.

I feel my English level is not good as before. I can't even say something with the correct word, with the correct contextual meaning. What should I do? should I continue writing my journal before posting it to fahmimahat.blogspot.com? It will consume a lot of time, which should be used to improve my other knowledge and skills, such as my physic, my calc, my chem, and also my time to rethink and muhasabah myself, from the aspect of acknowledging my efficiency and my perfomance in life, in my post, and in all of my roles- God's servant, student, colleague, phy-emo-int-spirit improvement, hafiz, and also Engine's vice press . What do you think?

After being in CS-like dream, the azan is being called, and it was at that time I rose up. My watch shows 5.46 am. Men! So early! I wandered for a couple of minutes, and perform my Subuh praying. Then, I continue my sleep, unable to fight against my temptation to put my head back to my "cool and refreshing" pillow.

I woke up, again, at about 10.00. Hahahaha. Bath. Jumping into my suit, I went to CELPAD to see whether my grouping matter has been settled. walked....meet Anuar Suid....breakfast...splitting...anuar went to A n' R, while I went to CELPAD, ....4 girls and 2 boys....open the door...

la, mana borangnya?....

"madam, can I know when can I get back (have) my add and drop form?"

"oh, I think, you can only have it by tomorrow morning, because right now we are doing our best to finish it up."

"oh...OK. Thanks."

So, I have to wait for my English Level 4 Course Coordinator to put me into the group...before I can proceed with my add and drop session. Luckily the due date is tomorrow, not today.

bila....

keyakinan dan kepercayaan pada diri sendiri

dianggap sebagai keangkuhan dan keegoan,

maka apa lagi yang tinggal untuk diri sendiri?

when....

self confidence and self truth is

being assumed as arrogant and egoistic,

.....

what's left for one's self????